Turning 30 was supposed to be a milestone — that magical age when you finally get your shit together, dripping in confidence and clarity. But for me, it just cracked open darker truths: many of the friendships I thought were decades-deep were actually just shadows.
I won’t say I wasted my 20s, but damn, they went by in the blink of an eye. A blur of depression, anxiety, humanitarian and political crises in my country — and that list could stretch on forever.
I’ve come to see (not always with full clarity, but close enough) that I spent years around people who weren’t really drawn to me. More like to the idea of me — the way I carry myself, my lifestyle, or whatever image they latched onto as long it was only the positive one.
I always said I’d live richly. I dreamed of affording a Hermès bag, strutting in my Louboutins, living this ultra-chic life as an artist. But honestly, jokes aren’t on me. I’m still reaching for that dream — just maybe with more of a Bourdain philosophy now: chasing experiences, not just things.
Right now, I juggle two jobs. I’m endlessly thankful for my second job that keeps my sanity intact. The first? Not my dream. I left my previous job (which I genuinely cherish) because I was restless, slacking, and not growing. I wanted more.
My current job gives me a steady paycheck, not fulfillment. I promised myself one year and if I stay one more year that means I’m eating shit.
So what’s the plan?
Honestly, not too different from before — aside from some lost time (curse you, depression). But I own that. I’m getting more consistent on social media, focusing on creating TikToks (follow me, let’s be besties!). I want to experiment here on my blog, give you more updates, hunt for goodies, and find something way better than Adobe.
(That Adobe debt? Took me 3-4 years to pay off because I forgot I had it on my Discover Card. Didn’t deal with it until my mom found out and gave me hell — but that’s another story.)
Anyway, sidetracks aside, as someone who falls into philosophical rabbit holes, I believe existentialism teaches us to find meaning in the absurd. To create ourselves, even in the void.
And yeah, the void sucks. Humans are fragile. As Freud put it, we’re just disabled gods trying to slap labels and meanings onto our lives so we don’t spiral. Nothing wrong with that. It’s one of the few things we can hold on to.
This year, I told a friend (don’t worry, I’m not fully lonely — just did some overdue weeding of my circle): I want to be irresponsible. I don’t want to spend another 10 years as a workaholic at some job that chips away at me.
I want to rebrand and just be me.
The me who used to post all the time, always creating, always exposing new art — she’s still here. But this time she’s older, sharper, and ready to kick some ass while exploring her 30s.
Everything will be okay and life is not linear, it is a roller coaster ride. So we must enjoy the ride.
Cheers for the 30s!
As for further ado, I just hope I’ll always remember to be the badass bitch I am — never losing track of where I come from or where I’m going.
And here’s a little playlist to vibe with this post (promise it’s not super emo):
